What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 07:17
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why do old men think young women and girls would want them over guys their own age?
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
How can she get her mouth taped shut? She should not have freedom of speech.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When she asked me how she looked .
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She married twice! .
Comes on , in middle age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She found it foreign!.
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
So whats the point in blame.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot live in the past .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i lived it daily.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I said to her
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was in good health!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It was going to be , some day.
All the time i was locked up.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She wouldn,t have been !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!